Lessons from Law School

Aimee (sharing her law school knowledge with the family): Just so everyone knows, you do not have to answer any questions police ask you, they don't have to tell you that though so they often get things out of people by way of consent because people don't realize they can say no! But you can say "no" many times and the police have to respect that. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.  But like if you did do a traffic violation you  obviously have to comply. This is just if they ask to search your stuff or ask you more questions beyond your license and registration.

Maddie:  So if I get pulled over, I just say "I'm not saying a single word. My sister said I don't have to."

Nate:  The officer says "Nice day, isn't it?"  I say "My sister says I don't have to answer any questions."

Aimee: PLEASE don't do that.

Shopping Vibes

 During our weekly family zoom

Maddie:  I LOVE grocery shopping! I love making a list and organizing it according to how the store is laid out. It makes me happy.

All (incredulously):  Really?

Bronte:  I HATE grocery shopping! But, I do like shopping for other things.

Nate: Yeah. I remember going shopping with Bronte one time. She is a "vibe shopper".

Robyn:  A what?

Nate: A "vibe shopper". We were in Target and she wanted to get a candle for someone so we stood in front of the candles for a long time so she could feel the vibes tell her what candle to buy.

Bronte (laughing): It wasn't THAT bad. But, I do like to walk into Target and let the store tell me what I should buy. 

Nate: I HATE shopping. Period. 

Robyn: Yeah. We know.

A New Life Direction

The other night during our weekly family zoom time

Robyn:  Nate, how was your first week of the semester.

Nate: Well, it was such that I've decided to quit school and become a rapper.

Robyn: Oh? 

Nate: Yeah. I've already decided on a name. You can call me "Powdered Sugar" and I'm currently working on some raps and the look of my YouTube channel.

Rod: That sounds like a GREAT idea. 

Buying a New Fridge

After numerous attempts at fixing a broken door on our refrigerator, Rod finally breaks down and decides to buy a new one. He is NOT happy about this because the fridge is only 7 years old and has had many, many problems including a broken handle on the freezer, an ice maker that doesn't work, several broken bins, a motor that had to be fixed and the last straw was the door that wouldn't stay shut. Nate decides to accompany us mostly because he hopes to score dinner afterward.

Upon arriving at the store, a cheerful salesman approaches.

Salesman:  Hello Folks! What are you looking for?

Rod (grumpily): Well, I can tell you what I'm NOT looking for.

Salesman (taken aback): Oh? What's that?

Rod:  A fridge that breaks. That's what.

Salesman (politely):  Well, Sir, I don't think that ANYONE can guarantee THAT.  Most fridges don't last longer than 15 years.

Rod: Well mine only lasted 7 years, so I don't want another Frigidaire.

Salesman (maintaining his cheerfulness): That's fine, Sir. We have several other brands that we can look at.

Rod: Fine.

The salesman walks us past several Frigidaires to some LGs.

Robyn (under her breath): Do we trust LG? The phone people said that they stopped making phones because they were BAD at making phones. What's to say that it's not the same with fridges?

After about an hour and a half where Rod and Robyn go back and forth between two fridges, they finally choose one. It's the one Robyn preferred.

Robyn:  Now, Rod. I just want to make sure that you aren't going to sigh wistfully every time you open the fridge wishing that we had bought the other one.

Rod: Well, I think you use it more than me so...it's fine. 

Nate: Good call, Dad.

Later

Nate (while describing shopping for a fridge to his siblings): Tonight Dad provided me with dinner AND a show!

What is the store telling me?

Last week

Robyn:  Ugh! I have to go to three stores today. 

Bronte:  That sounds fun! I LOVE to shop!  

Robyn: Not me. I find it very exhausting. But I don't have a lot on my list today so that's good.

Bronte: I don't always use lists. Sometimes, I like to go into the store and have the store tell me what I need.

Robyn (to herself): That explains some things.

Happy Wrinkles

The other day

Robyn: My face is sooooo wrinkly. How did I get this old?

Grace: At least your wrinkles are happy wrinkles.

Robyn: What does THAT mean?

Rod: I think she means that you smile a lot.

Grooming

The other day at dinner

Bronte: Dad, I think you have some rice in your hair.

Nate (reaches over to pluck the rice out of Rod's hair): There, Dad. I just groomed you like a baboon grooms it's father. You're welcome.

The McRib

 In the past

Grace: Nate, why are you so popular at Church?  EVERYONE is SO happy to see you. 

Nate: Well, it's because I'm like the McRib.

Grace: Huh?

Nate: It's like this. The McRib is not a great sandwich, but strategically it's not on the McDonalds menu all the time. See, they take it off the menu for a good amount of time so that when they bring it back, people are super excited that it's back. And, they think it's something amazing. That's me at Church.  I'm not that great, but because I go far away to Idaho for long periods of time, when I come back people think I'm amazing. Get it?

Grace: I guess.

Today

(Bronte has been staying with us in Provo because she is working on an independent film that is being shot in Utah. This has worked out well because the writer's strike in LA has shut down all film productions)

Rod:  Nate, today you were dethroned as the McRib at church.  Bronte was the McRib.

Nate: Oh?  How so?

Rod: Well, Brother Smith talked about how miraculous it was that they got her to work on their film and that she is killing it and Sister Gould talked about her in Sunday School as well.

Grace:  How come I'm never the McRib? I haven't been around that much but still, no one seems that excited to see me.

Nate:  I'll tell you why.  Number 1: YOU HAVE TO TALK TO PEOPLE IN THE WARD!! End of tutorial. 

Young Single Adult Wards

 In Provo

Nate: Today at church, a girl got up and said that she really didn't want to come to this ward because she heard that all of the people were weird.

Robyn (incredulous): She actually said that over the pulpit?

Nate: Yes. But, then she said, now that I've been here a while, I've discovered that only a few of the people are weird not everyone.

In New York

Aimee:  Today we had an interesting testimony.  A new convert got up and asked the congregation to vote on whether he should talk about how he stopped being an atheist or how the found the Church.  

Robyn: What do you mean vote on it?

Aimee: He had us raise our hands for the story we wanted to hear most.  

Rod: Really?

Aimee:  Yes. Then he went on to tell us that he stopped being an atheist by taking psychedelic drugs. The counselor in the bishopric had to stand up and say that the Church doesn't endorse or encourage taking psychedelic drugs. 

Nate's Epic Christmas Epistle

 Christmas 2020

My Dearest Mother,

As I compose this epistle unto you, I do smile as I remember the great times we have had as mother and son. My dear mother, I am most grateful for thee and all of the advice that thou has given me. Thou art truly fair in thine judgement of thine children 99.99% of the time. Thou has done many a good, nay, great deed. 

As I attempt to make it as an adult, I realize how truly good I had it at home. As I labor with all of my might to do mine own laundry with the powder detergent that I use in place of the normal detergent, I sigh as I place 7 quarters into the machine. "For soothe!" I wail to myself. "Mine mother did oft make these tasks look easy." As I forgot to put in a dryer sheet and was constantly shocked by the static of mine own laundry, I did think to mine self, "My mother would not make such a faux pas." 

The dinners that I've made were without a certain flavor. "Tis it salt or pepper? Cinnamon or paprika? Nay, it is love." As I recalled when my mum didst make meals, she did make them with love. Alas, when I make food, it is out of obligation. 

I would also wish to offer thee 1.68 billion apologies. As I reflect upon my adolescence, I do shudder to remember being the young scoundrel that I was. If I would have had to deal with someone like myself, I would have tanned them with a large wooden spoon! But thine patience was indefatigable. 

I have comprised an epic for thee:

My mother is like a rose
Every part is compose(ed)
She is most kind
She doth know how to find
She is as spry as a spring lamb
She takes good pictures with her cam(era).

I do know that what I have composed is more similar to a blank verse than an epic and for that I do apologize. It seems that I did not inherit the poetry gene.  

My mother, I love and am very grateful for you. You have such a love and such joy that it is contagious. You help and minister to the one. You care and are concerned about people with such a conviction, it is inspiring. 

I make an end of these sayings. I am known as Elder Nathaniel Rodney Campbell to some and Gorilla to others, eldest son of mine parents, and nationally recognized for my ability to clean toilets and bathrooms.

My beloved mother, I bid thee farewell.