Nate's Epic Christmas Epistle

 Christmas 2020

My Dearest Mother,

As I compose this epistle unto you, I do smile as I remember the great times we have had as mother and son. My dear mother, I am most grateful for thee and all of the advice that thou has given me. Thou art truly fair in thine judgement of thine children 99.99% of the time. Thou has done many a good, nay, great deed. 

As I attempt to make it as an adult, I realize how truly good I had it at home. As I labor with all of my might to do mine own laundry with the powder detergent that I use in place of the normal detergent, I sigh as I place 7 quarters into the machine. "For soothe!" I wail to myself. "Mine mother did oft make these tasks look easy." As I forgot to put in a dryer sheet and was constantly shocked by the static of mine own laundry, I did think to mine self, "My mother would not make such a faux pas." 

The dinners that I've made were without a certain flavor. "Tis it salt or pepper? Cinnamon or paprika? Nay, it is love." As I recalled when my mum didst make meals, she did make them with love. Alas, when I make food, it is out of obligation. 

I would also wish to offer thee 1.68 billion apologies. As I reflect upon my adolescence, I do shudder to remember being the young scoundrel that I was. If I would have had to deal with someone like myself, I would have tanned them with a large wooden spoon! But thine patience was indefatigable. 

I have comprised an epic for thee:

My mother is like a rose
Every part is compose(ed)
She is most kind
She doth know how to find
She is as spry as a spring lamb
She takes good pictures with her cam(era).

I do know that what I have composed is more similar to a blank verse than an epic and for that I do apologize. It seems that I did not inherit the poetry gene.  

My mother, I love and am very grateful for you. You have such a love and such joy that it is contagious. You help and minister to the one. You care and are concerned about people with such a conviction, it is inspiring. 

I make an end of these sayings. I am known as Elder Nathaniel Rodney Campbell to some and Gorilla to others, eldest son of mine parents, and nationally recognized for my ability to clean toilets and bathrooms.

My beloved mother, I bid thee farewell.