For Bronte's birthday:
My
divine sister of whom I am well pleased. I am happy to be thine
brother and friend. Thou art like unto a rose, thy fragrance I liken
unto a bottle of Endless Weekend, a smell that I hold dear. Thou art
my most favorite sister that is 23 years old.... I do
wish you to know that I approve in your taste of men. Both of you
make a very cute couple... As
this great day approached my dear sister, I was in a deep trouble. It
twas the eve of your birthday and I had not a pence (well actually I
did but what can you buy with 35 cents?). I began to despair.
Suddenly I had an epiphany. Did I not make somewhat decent cookies?
"Ah Ha!" I shouted. "O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
I shouted. So to summarize this riveting tale, I am giving you a free
cookie coupon, that you can ask of me and I will drop every thing and
do it. Do note this that thou must keep mine busy schedule in mind
and I yours. I will try to be there for thee when thou needest it the
most.
I
close mine epistle, I am Nathaniel Rodney Campbell the third and heir
to the Campbell throne and winner of Best Student in the 6th
grade.
Dear
Father,
I
have received news that you have indeed survived another year of
parenthood. I am most pleased to hear this great news. I am greatful
for the time that we have had together. You have been around for half
a century and then some which is a great feat. As I sat thinking
about what I was to get you. I was in great distress. "Alas"
I wailed "what can I get for my father when I have not a
pence!". I sat and thought for a good while (5 minutes, I have
quite a small attention span). But alas I still knew not what to get
you. I began to sink into the depths of despair. So I decided to
type an epstitle unto you. Mine letters are the way that I like talks,
short and sweet. I am greatful to be your son and heir of the
Campbell fortune. I have decided to give you a late birthday present.
The present is that I will name my first son and heir after you so
that we can keep the Campbell name upon us. I thank you for every
thing that you do for me and our family. It is truly nice to talk to
someone about the things I actually enjoy and get a response that
isn't bored. I must wrap up now...I close mine writing, I am Nathaniel Rodney Campbell
heir the the Campbell fortune and name. My beloved father I bid you
farewell. Amen.
Mere,
My most Beloved
mother of whom I love with all my heart, might, mind and strength. You
are NOT the bane of my existence, more rather you are the boon to my
existence. However, I do not wish to be a sychophant. You have done
such a good job at raising a beautiful child and heir. You also did
ok with the others. My dear mother, I do not see you as a curmudgeon, rather I see you as a sophisticated woman who doesn't look like
she is in her 50's. You are the sting to my bee, The king to my
decree. I love you 110% and more, I could go on but I do not wish to
be a bore. You are the best any heir could ask for and more. A much
greater man than me once said "All that I am or ever hope to be,
I owe to my angel mother"--Abe Lincoln. I agree with this quote
and I want you to know that when you grow way old I will take care of
you until the Lord calls you or me home.
Nate and Dexter aka Bubba Chuck
To Maddie
One
score and a year ago, you were born. What a great day. Madelaine, thou
art most fair, strong, and wise. I hold you in the highest respect. I
know that thou art not very loquacious in public and that troubles me
greatly. I do not wish for you to remain taciturn. On the contrary, I wish
for thee to express your self. Turning 21 is a great feat and I
congratulate you for surviving it. Many people have accomplished many
great feats at this ripe age such as inventing laughing gas. As you
can tell there are endless possibilities. No words can describe you. I offer this final blessing
on you: may your seed grow and prosper. I thank you for teaching me
to be chivilrous to the opposite sex. It has opened mine eyes and I
thank you for it. As I wrote this with my good hand, I wanted to
complain but then I remembered that if I were to complain then surely
I would be a weakling. Another problem arose when I could not express
myself on paper. A question crossed my mind "shall I stop?"
Nay! came the answer.
Love
in the highest,
A
6 foot 2 inch feminist white male with decent hygiene
 |
| Heir to the Campbell throne |
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